random6789 (random6789) wrote in un_poetic,
random6789
random6789
un_poetic

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her eyes melt me

Hopefully it is obvious the subject is a woman's eyes ... This isn't really close to being done, but I would like some advice/insight. Thanks.


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She opens her eyes and gazes into mine.
I admire the beauty that looks at me,
But I see more than meets the eye.

I see deep wells of inspiration,
Pieces of unheard music lie there,
Untold stories call out to me.
[These last three lines feel more metaphorical, while the next two lines are less so, i want to separate or distinguish them somehow ...]
Deep inside are unpainted masterpieces,
Surely waiting for release. [This is less abstract because she is actually a painter...]

Safety of finally arriving home,
Inviting and so very sensual,
And innocent happiness dwells there as well.[These ideas seem to contrast each other, but not completely, I would like to reword it somehow to make more sense and flow better]

I find myself feeling very alive and drawn.
Like a small child staring into the sun,
I feel compelled to not look away.
Shall I too go blind gazing through your windows?
Perhaps not, still the sun it fails to win
When it competes to melt me like they do.

Still captivated, I wish her sweet dreams
As she closes shut her angelic eyes. [this also does not flow well i feel, not sure how to change though]
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any all constructive criticism or advice welcome, thank you
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